office politics - a sensitive issue

there is nothing more annoying (we are sure there is, but it's all relative) than going to the toilet at work, and meeting a colleague who likes to have a good old chat/ bleat/ talk

we are not sure when this transition happened, but the toilet has become the new water cooler
the rule is that we're not there for the socialising, it's a different kind of business time... so having to carry a conversation after you have gone into your cubical is definitely a no go area. this is not a grey/ conscious matter.. it's a clear no

although google is not proving helpful, there are written rules and laws about this... and even if there weren't, it's plain wrong

off course, all rules are null and void if the other person is a hottie (especially if he happens to have a map of how to get out of prison tattoo)

what's your style?

we have devised a fun and informative quiz for you to find out what your personal style is in order for you to dress accordingly ... because in this day and age its important to fit into a pigeon hole category so as to not confuse people

1. pick a number between 1-20:
a) you chose a number between 1-5
b) you chose a number between 6-10
c) you chose a number between 11-15
d) you chose a number between 16-20


2. you gave someone your number, when do you think they will call you?
a) never...as usual
b) in a day or two
c) dont know, but i will be right next to the phone waiting
d) later that night


3. i see myself as someone who has a forgiving nature:
a) strongly disagree
b) disagree
c) agree
d) strongly agree


4. two ducks and two dogs have a total of fourteen legs:
a) true
b) false
c) i dont know
d) i love lamp

the results are in...

if you chose mostly a's you are:
classic

if you chose mostly b's you are:

boho

if you chose mostly c's you are:

sporty

if you chose mostly d's you are:

rock'n'roll

are you fishing outside your pond?

9 out of 11 people in office jobs do

this is T ...and her top "5"... ranging from james franco and back to reality (johnny depp)

"searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie. "

segment #4: what to wear for a quiet drink at the pub

we frequently mention 'the westbourne' on this blog and the variety of clientele it attracts. its a firm favourite of ours and it seems like word has got out....

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1322656/Lady-Gaga-heads-quiet-pint-flamingo-style-dress.html

construction - it’s getting more challenging

one truth about recessions is that they are egalitarian. with the exception of FMCGs, most other industries have had to pick up their game. one particular field is that of construction according to our research, construction can be categorised into: building, heavy/civil and industrial (it is at this point that we stopped researching construction)

but being a construction worker is a tough game – not only is it labour intensive, but they, along with their clearly straight male colleagues, have to work hard to attract female attention. this fact, coupled with the current economic situation (increased competition), whistling and just generally yelling ‘hey hot stuff’ at a female passerby no longer cuts it

i was pleasantly surprised yesterday, when, as i was walking to work, one started singing ‘ baby, baby, i’d get down on my knees for you..’ i turned around and smiled. it’s rude not to acknowledge such a heart felt expression

he seemed like a good guy, but as i don’t really see a future for us (he does not live in w2), i have since changed my walking route to work

world exclusive: M&N are engaged

they met while hiking through the himalayas... N was looking for an affordable synthetic leg (he had lost his while skiing in chamonix), and M was an aid worker helping underprivileged goats

they told us the good news (that they are engaged) when we recently caught up with them. a close family friend also confirmed their allegations

it’s just marvellous

even really ridiculously good looking people need to rest occasionally

rampant rumours that we might be moving out of the grove to pursue bigger dreams and johnny depp have gone rife... but sometimes, there is nothing better than watching a movie on a sat eve

paper heart provided good entertainement last weekend

it resonated with us for 2 main reasons:

it reminded us of the fun and awkwardness of having a camera crew around at all times

and it’s subtle humour seemed somehow more in-appropriate than ours “my wife and i have a love hate relationship - i love to beat her, and she hates the beatings”

introducing a new segment....the genius that is cher horowitz

we hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become ...

....we liked it when they were a bit more underground

but it is great to see a good heart warming story on the news for once. not surprisingly, hollywood is already busy at work eager to retell the courageous story of the 33 chilean miners trapped for 69 days.

our reliable sources tell us antonio banderas is in discussions to play the chilean president. the cast of ugly betty have been approached to play various roles. will smith is hoping to portray barak obama, but insiders say morgan freeman is first in line for that role

other rumoured actors include; benicio del toro, vin diesel (who will play a rescue worker), selma hayek and ben stiller

ricky martin and enrique iglesias are in the recording studio as we speak putting together a couple of heart wrenching ballads for the soundtrack

the beautiful people were brought in to play the 33 miners as real life people are almost never ridiculously good looking enough for us to watch on the big screen / or on dvd in the comfort of our homes for almost 2 hours

we leave you with the famous words of larry zoolander "damnit derek, i'm a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor "

what's your worst fear?

1. while watching the "phones 4u - hard working prison guards (sony ericsson xperia x10 version)" commercial last night, it dawned on J & T that they would hate to be in prison

... it bought flash-backs of a special night out (to celebrate naomi's one year anniversary/ weddign) where our restaurant/ building "burned down"... 'firemen' came... and we escaped with a bottle of wine, glasses, and a jug ...

2. while KW (shoe impresario) & J were eating a slimming lunch of sushi and enjoying the sunshine - this man came to our alarmed attention

he was, at first glance, just enjoying the last of the london indian summer*, however much to our shock and frankly those around us (although the cute boy in coloured socks just napped soundly next door), he proceeded to flex his "pecs" and remonstrate** his availability to those who might be passing by…

the fact that he put his leather shirt back on as we left the square only served to hint that his work was done and that he had in fact not pulled

*this only lasted two hours and indicates temperature not ethnic origin. other commonly used phrases include “indian giver”

**word of the day

the adventures of pleasure man

negotiation is the name of the game: part i

with all the world events; common wealth games, children and social awkwardness - seeing people you really would rather not see, negotiation techniques have become a rather hot topic in the grove

there is a unique kind of dread of bumping into someone who you either don’t want to talk to, or, someone who you don’t mind, but don’t know well enough to carry off more than a “hello, how do you do” level of conversation

as the strained silence becomes more and more obvious, the conversation derails to the extent you wish you never left the house, or had perhaps gone ahead with poking your eye out with that pencil

ideally, ignoring each other’s presence should have been your first option, however, that opportunity has clearly passed you by. so here are 2 avenues for you to consider:

“how is the family?” this is a genius idea (not only because J&T came up with it) as the family is a massive brush stroke. it illustrates you care, while not having to go into the specifics (and your memory bank) of trying to figure out if they had a brother/ sister/ mother/ married/ single

second, is your way out…. “i need to pee” (again, a marvellous idea). please don’t refer to it as number one or number two (this level of detail will make your get out of jail card lose its credibility) and this will take you back to that awkward position that you found yourself in at the beginning

mirror mirror on the wall...

who is the most coquettish* of them all?
we certainly could not decide between our favourite w210 mums/ mums to be
*in absolute terms, coquettish is a flirtatious female (try using this in a sentence today - verb: to be coquetish, comparative: more coquettish, superlative: most coquettish)
be warned, in some/these instances, coquettish behaviour lead to pregnancy

once you go black, you won't go back

nigeria is very up and coming

it’s a little known fact, but nigeria has the largest population of any country in africa (approximately 1 out of ever 2 west africans, 1 out of ever 4 african, and 1 out of every 5 persons of african origin is a nigerian), furthermore, africa is the place where the live 5 / big 5 animals can also be found

given this leaked information, we are not surprised that nigerians are massive fans of the blog. we are delighted that it resonates with people of all races and transends gender

question from readers

there has been a lot of speculative talk about the co-author, co-editor and co-ceo of this blog.
some believe T to be a fictional character, others think it's merely my alter-ego, while others are of the opinion that she is a bad friend
this is neither the place or time to air "dirty laundry"...

i am reminded of a post war shrink session, where i was advised: considering your losses, you might want to think about giving any friendships another shot (pun intended)

i guess this is why the fable goes: friendship can be likened to peeing on yourself - if you're wearing white (or light coloured) pants, then everyone can see it, but (regardless of pant colour) only you get the warm feeling that it brings

... therefore, the official statment is that T is a real person

they tried to arrest us!!

(due to the deception theme running through this report, we advise some children to have an adult on hand to supervise)

following on from the breaking and most shocking news (see last post), the english police (who we could only assume were blackmailed and sent by the C4 "7 days" management and creative teams) tried to bring us down...

it was the eve of candy and steve's farewell, and everyone was having a brilliant time...
even amy made an appearence.. she was looking fab and seemed at ease mingling with guests

...not long after the attempted arrest, the police themselves joined the party...

but only after insisting that J&T dj...

** we would like to thank the capable and talented KW who provided most of this evidence (a gentle reminder of KW's USPs ... she is an excellent digital marketer, who specialises in search engine marketing strategy, has a plethora of e-marketing skills, and is experienced in building multi-faceted marketing programs. loves shoes)

media wars

we received the following disturbing "heads up" this morning

the attachment


p.s james franco is so hot right now... but we correctly identified this back in june- http://thegrove-w210.blogspot.com/2010/06/we-james-franco.html

a geography lesson ~ by britney spears

"i get to go to lots of overseas places, like canada"

"i've never really wanted to go to japan. simply because I don’t like eating fish. and I know that's very popular out there in africa"

conversation starters (what to say to girls)

the following events and conversation attempts took place at pre-pre-drinks at the westbourne. please note that none were successful, though a good time was had by all (J & T)

T was wearing a demin shirt:
alex: "did you wear that blue denim shirt to bring out your eyes. i think i need to get to know you better"
T: "sorry i have a boyfriend"
alex: "is your boyfriend as gorgeous as you"
T: "no. i go for personality"
... due to his state, alex was escorted out by the bouncer and his fist 16 minutes later

T & J wanted to eat, so J went up to the bar
J: "are the cheese and crackers good value?" (£6.75 on the menu)
barman: "no. but i'll take care of you" he winked with his left eye, then his right (charged £1.00 and received complementary bread and condiments)

guy who works at gusto - and not the good looking french one (talking to T): "i have seen you around"
T: "yes"
guy who works at gusto: "you come here often?"
T: "yes"
(J was not at all offended that he didn't remember her, despite the fact that she was at gusto earlier in teh day)
guy who works at gusto: "i have a party to attend next door in half an hour. can i sit with you in the meantime?"
T: "no"

waitress comes over: "the chef really likes you"
J: "thanks"
... awkward silence
waitress: "i'll tell him you have a boyfriend"
J: "thanks"
chef: "sometimes its good to change the menu"

how to spot a toff (or mwah ha ha as we prefer to call them)

noun. a mildly derogatory term for someone with an aristocratic background, particularly someone who exudes an air of superiority

the boys wear pinky rings, dress in a ridiculously preppy manner, and enjoy hunting. the girls (aka sloanes) have purposely messed up {normally blonde} hair, with pashmina around the neck.

they have recieved a private school education and make good use of daddy's credit card. they are commonly spotted in notting hill (w10)

they can be heard saying things like:

'come on tabatha lets get bevved up at keyholes tonight and catch up with henry and marcus'
'my daddy drives a jaguar '
'rahh im a toff '
'I love polo'
'hi vicki, its bella, mummys just brought me a gucci watch, how amazing am i'

typical sloane conversation:
"felicity- ought we to tell poppy-mae that her earrings are only half a carat? she may make an awful faux-pas..."
"best not, constance...she may tell alexander, and then daddy will never let us go to the gymkhana this weekend."

know your mwah ha ha ha

fitties/birdage/top totty - attractive young women
hohmygod - exclamation following banal piece of gossip
sweetiedarls, what's the goss? - how are you?
it's GLO - It's guest list only
literally - metaphorically, e.g. "I'm literally dying" means "I'm quite tired."
i'm off-roading it - i'm in the country for the weekend

how far is too far?

as you get older, and aspire to more exclusive circles, the opportunities to meet new people get fewer and fewer. however, every now and again, individuals sneak in, which could throw one’s world in turmoil

as you don’t have any history (function of being “new”), new people are challenging, so here are some things that might be considered unprofessional:

voicing your opinion about anything too controversial (the war)

telling the truth about how you feel (why would you let yourself leave the house looking like that?)

elaborating on one's ever so fine qualities and/or abilities (my body is a wonderland)

giving relationship advice (needing someone is like needing a parachute. if they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again)

* if you're thinking she looks familiar, you are right - you might recognise joyce (the stunning one in yellow) from such shows as ellie saab 2010 collection - she too is a really really successful model