question from readers

dear J & T,
i really enjoy reading your blog. i find it both educational and witty. i am a big fan
in order not to miss out, i subscribed with my rss* feed thing. however, it hasn't lit up with a new post in a looooooooooong time. can you please check with your IT department to confirm if there is a problem with the rss feed
MD


dear MD,
thank you for bringing this to our attention. we have checked with the IT guys from my work, and they assured me that the rss feed is working. in saying that, we received the following correspondence from another fan which made us think...after many meetings, we believe we've found a solution. essentially, the problem, and cause of the issue, is that we are on summer break and as such, haven't blogged for a long time (we trust you have now received an rss feed thing)
kindest regards
J&T

*an rss (which is an acronym for a really simply syndication) is part of a family of web feed formats used to publish regularly updated works ... such as blog entries, news headlines etc. in a standardised format. if you are interested in getting one, please get in touch and we will forward your query to MD

what's your worst fear?

1. while watching the "phones 4u - hard working prison guards (sony ericsson xperia x10 version)" commercial last night, it dawned on J & T that they would hate to be in prison

... it bought flash-backs of a special night out (to celebrate naomi's one year anniversary/ weddign) where our restaurant/ building "burned down"... 'firemen' came... and we escaped with a bottle of wine, glasses, and a jug ...

2. while KW (shoe impresario) & J were eating a slimming lunch of sushi and enjoying the sunshine - this man came to our alarmed attention

he was, at first glance, just enjoying the last of the london indian summer*, however much to our shock and frankly those around us (although the cute boy in coloured socks just napped soundly next door), he proceeded to flex his "pecs" and remonstrate** his availability to those who might be passing by…

the fact that he put his leather shirt back on as we left the square only served to hint that his work was done and that he had in fact not pulled

*this only lasted two hours and indicates temperature not ethnic origin. other commonly used phrases include “indian giver”

**word of the day

mirror mirror on the wall...

who is the most coquettish* of them all?
we certainly could not decide between our favourite w210 mums/ mums to be
*in absolute terms, coquettish is a flirtatious female (try using this in a sentence today - verb: to be coquetish, comparative: more coquettish, superlative: most coquettish)
be warned, in some/these instances, coquettish behaviour lead to pregnancy

question from readers

there has been a lot of speculative talk about the co-author, co-editor and co-ceo of this blog.
some believe T to be a fictional character, others think it's merely my alter-ego, while others are of the opinion that she is a bad friend
this is neither the place or time to air "dirty laundry"...

i am reminded of a post war shrink session, where i was advised: considering your losses, you might want to think about giving any friendships another shot (pun intended)

i guess this is why the fable goes: friendship can be likened to peeing on yourself - if you're wearing white (or light coloured) pants, then everyone can see it, but (regardless of pant colour) only you get the warm feeling that it brings

... therefore, the official statment is that T is a real person

conversation starters (what to say to girls)

the following events and conversation attempts took place at pre-pre-drinks at the westbourne. please note that none were successful, though a good time was had by all (J & T)

T was wearing a demin shirt:
alex: "did you wear that blue denim shirt to bring out your eyes. i think i need to get to know you better"
T: "sorry i have a boyfriend"
alex: "is your boyfriend as gorgeous as you"
T: "no. i go for personality"
... due to his state, alex was escorted out by the bouncer and his fist 16 minutes later

T & J wanted to eat, so J went up to the bar
J: "are the cheese and crackers good value?" (£6.75 on the menu)
barman: "no. but i'll take care of you" he winked with his left eye, then his right (charged £1.00 and received complementary bread and condiments)

guy who works at gusto - and not the good looking french one (talking to T): "i have seen you around"
T: "yes"
guy who works at gusto: "you come here often?"
T: "yes"
(J was not at all offended that he didn't remember her, despite the fact that she was at gusto earlier in teh day)
guy who works at gusto: "i have a party to attend next door in half an hour. can i sit with you in the meantime?"
T: "no"

waitress comes over: "the chef really likes you"
J: "thanks"
... awkward silence
waitress: "i'll tell him you have a boyfriend"
J: "thanks"
chef: "sometimes its good to change the menu"

how to spot a toff (or mwah ha ha as we prefer to call them)

noun. a mildly derogatory term for someone with an aristocratic background, particularly someone who exudes an air of superiority

the boys wear pinky rings, dress in a ridiculously preppy manner, and enjoy hunting. the girls (aka sloanes) have purposely messed up {normally blonde} hair, with pashmina around the neck.

they have recieved a private school education and make good use of daddy's credit card. they are commonly spotted in notting hill (w10)

they can be heard saying things like:

'come on tabatha lets get bevved up at keyholes tonight and catch up with henry and marcus'
'my daddy drives a jaguar '
'rahh im a toff '
'I love polo'
'hi vicki, its bella, mummys just brought me a gucci watch, how amazing am i'

typical sloane conversation:
"felicity- ought we to tell poppy-mae that her earrings are only half a carat? she may make an awful faux-pas..."
"best not, constance...she may tell alexander, and then daddy will never let us go to the gymkhana this weekend."

know your mwah ha ha ha

fitties/birdage/top totty - attractive young women
hohmygod - exclamation following banal piece of gossip
sweetiedarls, what's the goss? - how are you?
it's GLO - It's guest list only
literally - metaphorically, e.g. "I'm literally dying" means "I'm quite tired."
i'm off-roading it - i'm in the country for the weekend

how far is too far?

as you get older, and aspire to more exclusive circles, the opportunities to meet new people get fewer and fewer. however, every now and again, individuals sneak in, which could throw one’s world in turmoil

as you don’t have any history (function of being “new”), new people are challenging, so here are some things that might be considered unprofessional:

voicing your opinion about anything too controversial (the war)

telling the truth about how you feel (why would you let yourself leave the house looking like that?)

elaborating on one's ever so fine qualities and/or abilities (my body is a wonderland)

giving relationship advice (needing someone is like needing a parachute. if they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again)

* if you're thinking she looks familiar, you are right - you might recognise joyce (the stunning one in yellow) from such shows as ellie saab 2010 collection - she too is a really really successful model

what not to do at a wedding

although there are countless self help books on what not to do at weddings, this is a quick guide if one doesn't have days to spare to read books with limited pictures

things that make others stare (not in a good "i'm checking you out" way)
1. stealing wine from the kid's table
2. dancing with boys who look like they could be 17 (even if they look like they are about to turn 17 in the following 2 months)
3. eating other guests' chocolates

things that are ok to do
1. dance with dan's dad

must haves
1 &2. a bride and groom (wedding 101) .. though this was a breath-taking bride and very handsome "groom"
3. castle
4. a car full of hillarious friends

an idiots guide ...

...to becoming a follower of the blog


do it.*


*Please note that you will need to have either a twitter or a gmail account to follow

Some have wondered what the benefit of gmail is (other than the obvious ability to follow the blog) …we don’t want to bore you with technical speak, but basically, these good people (at gmail) promise to deliver your correspondence free of charge through cyber space to the intended recipient

If you are still having problems following, then please contact your IT department, or perhaps, you could save yourself some time and just re-boot your computer

what's your body shape?

a hot topic at the moment as summer is upon us. due to popular demand we have compiled an easy to use guide to identify your own body shape, with real life examples...

who's your favourite dragon?....